In order for relationships to be truly fun, fulfilling, joyful
and loving both people have to be emotionally healthy. That
doesn't mean you still don't have some issues to resolve -
that's part of life. It does mean that you aren't living a life
as a victim of a past experience(s) and continuing to recreate
more victim experiences.
If you want to have an amazing "rockin relationship" you can't
be a victim and you can't be with a victim, because you will
either set the person up to victimize you, or they will set you
up to victimize them.
The Law of Attraction says we get what we think about, whether we
want it or not. So if you're afraid of being a victim, you will
have victim energy and you will attract a victimizer. Or you will
perceive what someone does to you as victimizing you.
Let me give you a personal example. I have a childhood friend who
had some experiences growing up that were painful. He was a
victim, at that point. As he grew older in order to get attention
he, probably unconsciously, stepped into the role of the
"victim." Women flocked to him to take care of him, to nurture
him and to rescue him.
All of that might be okay, if he didn't need to keep wearing the
cloak of victim and recreating victim experiences - day in and
day out. And he will try to set people up to victimize him.
He'll interpret everything through the victim filter. So if you
say you can't do something that he wants you to do, then you are
letting him down; he'll play the "Poor Me." For example, if he
calls one day when you're super busy and can't talk, he'll say
you were unkind to him.
He also attracts people who do take advantage of him. Remember
you get what you think about, whether you want it or not.
Now if you've been around someone who sees themselves as a
victim, and lives as a victim, then you know it's a miserable
and drama filled existence. Their lives are all drama and you
can't have a normal, healthy relationship with them. And they
aren't living in their truth as a powerful human being connected
to pure positive energy.
That's the place where you want to be and want the other person
The most important part of being around a victim is to not
collude with them. Don't see them as a victim. Don't hold them
in that energy. That's what they're used to. That's what they
think they want, because that's how they're used to getting
attention. It's the "Poor Me" routine. Don't go there with
What if instead you saw them as creative, resourceful and whole?
What if you saw them as learning how they really wanted to be in
life and that the victim role was one they played for a while and
might now choose to leave behind?
From that place you're not pulled into their victim energy and
they might be encouraged to change their perspective, to move
into a new more fulfilling role.
Are You A Victim?
Now I've been talking about other people being the victim. What
if you see yourself as a victim?
This is close to my heart, because I used to see myself as a
victim. And sure enough, I would have experiences that made me
look and feel like a victim.
Then one day a wise American Indian elder said to me, "You can
either be a victim of your circumstances, or be victorious in
I loved that perspective. It felt so uplifting and powerful. And
I realized I had a choice. And from that moment I always look at
how to be victorious.
During the Beijing Olympics, US track and field star Lolo Jones
was running the 100-meter hurdles final, in which she was heavily
favored. She was leading the race when she clipped the second to
the last hurdle. That knocked her off her stride and she finished
well out of the medals.
What she said after the race - being victorious, not a victim -
was that she felt the gold around her neck and that caused her to
lose her focus for a split second. When you're jumping hurdles
that split second is all it takes. She's not a victim. She may
have not have medaled, but she knows what she did and she has a
powerful learning that will be with her for the rest of her life.
Victims miss the opportunities for learning.
How Can You Be Victorious?
So if you see yourself as a victim, or if you keep being a victim
of others, how can you change?
Before I tell you how to change I want to ask you to not be hard
on yourself if you've been a victim. Sometimes, when we realize
we've been creating it, we can get upset with ourselves. Don't
go there. You didn't know any other way to be. And now I'm
pointing out another way. So start with the "Beginners Mind" -
open and curious, like you are starting your life over. You are.
So the first step is stop being mean to yourself. Your ego is the
critical part of your mind. The victim's ego is cruel, critical,
perfectionistic and judgmental. You can go to my ezine archive on
my website and read May 18, 2004 "What Is Your Negative
Self-Talk Doing to You" and June 29, 2006, "How Your Ego Holds
You Hostage" to get information on how to quiet your critical
voice. Your ego is your critical voice. The truth is it's
probably not even yours, it's probably a father, mother, sibling
or teachers voice. Don't give it attention. Be kind to yourself.
Talk to yourself the way you would want a wise loving mother to
talk to you.
Second, stop seeing yourself as a victim. Start remembering the
good things that have happened to you in your life. The thing
about victims is they don't look at the good things, or they
discount them, or the focus is so weighted on the "bad" things
that they don't give any attention to the "good" things.
Third, pay attention to where you might unconsciously set
yourself up as a victim. If you know that a friend isn't
responsible, don't ask them to feed your cat while you're on
vacation. If your assistant doesn't have good people skills,
don't ask her to talk to your clients. If your boyfriend is
always late, don't ask him to take you to the airport to catch
your flight. Don't set yourself up!
This one is a little tricky, because you've been unconsciously
doing this for a while. If victim things are still happening,
you're still doing it. Now remember, be kind to yourself. It's
okay, you're in the process of changing.
And fourth, don't victimize others. I know you're saying, I
would never do that. But I guarantee you, victims will at some
point, unconsciously victimize others. Even if it's just a
judgment or criticism of another person, or an abrupt
communication. And if you unconsciously victimize another, then
you'll feel really badly about yourself. Then from that place,
you'll attract more victim experiences. So be conscious of your
And if you have victimized others, in any way, forgive yourself.
I'm not saying to condone what you did; I'm saying to realize
that you didn't know what you were doing. You were in a victim
perspective and you were unconscious. You were wounded and you
were reacting out of that wound.
Here's a lovely little saying I repeat every day:
"I call on the Law of Forgiveness for myself and all mankind,
for all mistakes, misqualified energy, human unconsciousness and
for straying from the light."
We are all trying to do the best as we can. We will make
mistakes, we will go unconscious and stray from the light. And we
can go back into the light and become victorious in our learning.
And we can feel great about ourselves and from that place attract
the most wonderful experiences into our life!
It's a choice. You can either be a victim of your circumstances
or victorious in your learning.
Imagine the possibilities...
(c) Carol C. Chanel
Carol Chanel is a Certified Life Coach who works with people to
create new, meaningful and FUN lives. You can learn more about
how to create loving and healthy relationships, draw boundaries,
not take things personally, be happy to be who you are, and
make time for fun by going to her free ezine archive.
Submitted by: Carol Chanel * †
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